I SHARE THESE THOUGHTS WITH YOU.
I BELIEVE THEY HOLD TRUTH -
BUT, I COULD BE WRONG.
GUILT - SHAME - EMBARRASSMENT
Here is something I have learned about GUILT, SHAME, and EMBARRASSMENT.
GUILT: "I did something wrong." Yes, it is true I did it, I am guilty. God's Spirit convicts us when we do wrong and asks us "How did that work out for you and the ones you love?" When we agree with God that our choice was a bad one, we can choose to not defend it or repeat it, or excuse it. We say to ourselves: I won't do that again (which is what God calls "repenting".) We ask forgiveness from anyone we hurt and then move on with our lives having learned a valuable lesson. (We ask God to help protect us from repeating that mistake).
SHAME: "There is something wrong with me." This is SATAN whispering in your ear. Those words never came from your Creator (God doesn't create junk!) Shame would convince you that you have a primal flaw and cannot be saved. Shame wants to convince you that "Your life is Hopeless, and God could not possibly love You, others maybe, but never You". Shame is a LIAR. Jesus says: I love you enough to die for you in order to win you a full pardon for all your bad choices and mistakes. Trust in my power to save you from yourself and transform you into the child of God you have always been designed to become.
EMBARRASSMENT: "I did nothing wrong. I just made an error", because I am perfectly human (which is far from perfect). An example is when we walk into the wrong bathroom by mistake. I can learn from my experience, and there was "no harm, no foul". I need to allow myself to make mistakes without self-condemnation or I might slip into allowing the thoughts of Satan (shame) to twist the truth and rob me of my understanding that I am a beloved child of my Lord.
I am rarely less "righteous" than when I have just fought to prove that I am "right".
A single Choice.
A single choice leads to an Action to do or not do something.
Repeated Actions form a Behavior
Behavior patterns form Habits
A pattern of Habits defines our Character
That Character can shape our Future.
It all begins with a single choice.
Let that choice be to trust and obey God.
He will organize the rest.
Any Arrow you shoot at your EX
Will lodge in the heart of your child. Whatever you choose to give out will return to you over the years 10-fold.
So pour out Grace & Mercy despite how you feel, for you are forging the Future for your child and yourself.
Authenticity requires letting go of who we think we should be, to admit who we really are, embracing our imperfection. Integrity is living authentically, refusing to put on any pretense.
Hypocrisy is the opposite of authenticity. Shame drives us to fear rejection "if people discover the secret of who we really are." So we put on a mask, and pretend. We lie about who we are and after a while we begin to actually believe those lies.
CONNECTION IS WHY WE EXIST. We need to feel worthy of love and belonging.
Our sense of worthiness is achieved when we accept the truth that God loves us because we are His children, formed in His image and He breathed His Spirit into all mankind. Worthiness does not vary based on what we do, or don't do. GOD LOVE US. - - - - - - - (Period, with no ifs, whens, or buts). When we embrace the truth that God values us immeasurably, we can accept God's compassion for us, (even in the midst of our failures), and we can then become God's pipeline to extend that same compassion to all the other people who fail around us. GOD IS LOVE, and apart from Him we only experience heartbreak!
Don't SHOULD all over yourself.
LIFE is what happens while we are BUSY Making Other Plans.
I provide FREE Marriage Counseling without any restrictions for anyone who cannot afford to pay.
REAL PEOPLE, REAL MARRIAGES, REAL LIFE STORIES:
Many of these are addressed to Pastor David Grant at Northshore Christian Church, Everett WA, because he is the one who referred them to me when they approached the church looking for help. I started my counseling under the training of Pastor David Grant, and I owe him a great debt for helping me to get to where I am today in my own independent office.
My name is Brent and I had the privilege of counseling with Ron Shaw.
Ron has been extremely instrumental in helping me renew my relationship with both God and my wife. I like to say that Ron is the “real deal”… a true man of God who selflessly gives of his time to minister to others in the area God has gifted him.
Being a Christian since childhood my walk with the Lord has had its seasons of highs and lows. Over the last few years though, my use of pornography that started as a teen slowly spiraled out of control. Fueled by resentment, bitterness and heavy doses of alcohol my insatiable desire for this “secret” sin progressively worsened until lies and deceit nearly destroyed my marriage and family. Ron helped me to see that my porn addiction was really just a symptom of many other issues but at its root was my need to feel in control. Yet there I was, oblivious of that fact, being driven out of control by it!
Ron is not into “band-aid” steps, formulas or programs. He is also not really into recovery or restoration. He is into transformation. This transformation is done through the power of the Holy Spirit, in renewing one’s mind with the truths of scripture and in teaching others to completely trust and rely on God’s daily direction in life. This is Ron’s focus, while he himself relies on the Holy Spirit to speak into the lives of people exactly what they need to hear. God directed him to meet me at my exact need. It’s amazing how little we actually discussed the sin of pornography.
Ron helped me to see how much God loves and accepts me regardless of my performance, what it means to have a childlike faith and that without abiding in Christ I can really do nothing at all to please God or experience His blessings. He explained to me what agape love is all about and what it really means for husbands to love their wives as God commands in Ephesians 5:25. After all the disappointment and dissatisfaction in my marriage it’s been amazing to experience an eagerness and excitement to do this through the power of the Holy Spirit. My wife is beginning to trust me again and our relationship is headed in the right direction for the first time in years. I’m also now able to be the best father I can to my kids and the spiritual leader in my home instead of being a first class hypocrite.
Ron has an amazing grasp on the schemes that Satan has used to deceive mankind with. He is equally gifted in helping others see through this deception and the faulty thinking that the world has programmed each one of us with, especially when it comes to sexuality and marital relationships. This understanding is vital to beginning the healing process in any relationship. The only individuals or couples that couldn’t benefit from counseling with Ron are those who simply don’t want help. I’m currently involved in Ron’s sexual purity support group with several other men that he has helped in the same way he helped me. I’m so thankful for Ron and would recommend his ministry to anybody whole heartedly.
Signed: Brent Miller, Everett WA
Dear Pastor Dave,
I just wanted to give you a little bit of feedback of what Ron Shaw’s ministry has done for me and my family. He has been a instrument of God's grace to me and us. He has allowed the Lord to be in charge of all conversation we had by always starting and ending in prayer. Always pausing before saying anything he would want to say on his own, and instead I could tell he was allowing the Lord to give him words where I found grace and wisdom and love that spoke directly to my heart and to my life in ways only God would know. He was always very clear with transparency and privacy and respect and love that anyone would want to hear and know about when serious issues are to be discussed. He never spoke with any disrespect or showed any personal interest other than to please the Lord in that which he felt was what he was called to do. He often went out of his way when situations were not too easy for me regarding time or transportation and did things with much humbleness and curtesy and respect. I have to say I have gathered so much wisdom from the words that have been spoken to me through him by the Lord that I have been so encouraged to not only take home with me and shine in a new way at my home and in my life but also to share from what I have learned with many people around me. I have also encouraged friends to go and see him since I have received so much.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned and now have implemented in my daily routines is to do the Lord’s prayer early in the morning and to hand over all of my control up to the Lord to take over my day. That, and a few other prayers to enrichen my relationship with my wife and/or any person that I pour blessings and they are all coming straight out from the bible as well. They have absolutely made a difference in our lives. Like nothing I have ever seen. It has kept a straight and steady pace of my walk with the Lord. And my wife has been able to see that it is not me, but Him working in me. She has been able to witness the changes in my life and her life has changed dramatically as well where I could have never encouraged her to do on my own or with my own efforts. But she has blossomed and I see myself so much more now what I have wanted to be for a long time now.
I just want to thank you Pastor Dave and North Shore for entrusting Ron to be used by God to nurture His people in such an awesome way. Thank you and please thank Ron again for me for everything he has done for us. I am now in a situation where I am limited from visiting him because of distance, my new job and time around it but we have arranged to maintain a phone meeting here and there with updates of how we are doing so that he can see how the Lord has used him in miraclous ways in our family or if we ever get stuck.
Ron has been a blessing in our lives.
Thank you and Blessings,
Dear Dave Grant,
Exactly one year ago I left you a voice mail about looking for help as I needed emergency counseling for myself and my marriage. That evening I received a call from a gentleman from your church named Ron Shaw.
I don’t have the precise words to describe the blessing that this man has poured into my life and that of my family. He faithfully met with me each week for the next 6 months until he set up a bi-monthly support/ discipleship group these last six months. The initial one-on-one meetings were long hours of spirit filled blessing. Ron taught me about how my selfish, sinful choices in this life were “normal” without Christ at the center of my life. He taught me that apart from Christ I can do nothing, but with Christ all things are possible. His biblically based counsel has been instrumental in transforming my entire life to trusting and obeying Christ as my Lord and Savior. I learned that Satan’s plan is to isolate and discourage. I have learned that for my entire life I have lived a double life and masked who I truly am. I have lived a life of performance and been successful as far as the world’s standards are concerned but I chose my will and not God’s will. I learned the core of many of my problems are a CONTROL issue.
I just wanted to thank you and the Northshore Christian staff for supporting such a vital, healing ministry. This ministry touches the core of so many men in the church. This group addresses real issues that all of us men deal with like lust, temptation, pornography, restoration, healing to affair proofing your marriage. It touches the heart of the church which is strengthen families and teaching us men to lead courageously with Jesus as the head of our households. We have found a level of authenticity and trust within this group of men that is glorifying the Kingdom. We are learning specifically how to agape our wives and seeking Jesus first in our lives.
In my view this is a beginning of a revival of men in this community.
There is so much more I could say as my three boy’s lives are also being transformed by this ministry and Ron’s commitment but I just want to say THANK YOU for providing and supporting this ministry as my family is truly being healed and blessed.
Greg Thayer Lake Stevens, WA
NOTE: Our Men's Sexual Integrity Group which we call EveryMan's VICTORY meets every week on Thurs at 6:30 - 8:30 at my office. Call for Information
TO CALL or SEND A MESSAGE, please click on the CONTACT US Link located at the TOP of this page in the
Blue MENU BAR
It was November 2016. I truly believed my marriage was amazing. I was happy and it seemed things were ok. My husband was making major internet upgrades and the internet was always slow. I received notifications sharing downloading of several porn sites contents. I had ignored a few and for some reason decided to look at it this particular one. I was heart-broken, felt betrayed, and lied too. I was devastated. I wanted out. I couldn’t handle this and told him I was done. I don’t need him or “It”. I packed up and left. I told him to tell the kids what he did to me.
Action is what I would believe.
For some reason, my husband found me. He came after me. He didn’t stay at home and dismiss my heart. It was a rainy, Fall afternoon and he stood there. My heart was crushed. I wanted out. I didn’t understand why this happened to me, to us. Then, for a moment, I felt God telling me to be strong and showed me how much I loved my husband. I opened the car door and let him in. God called me to be still. I wanted to flee. I felt pulled to stay to work through with my husband. To set truths, and to trust that my husband is true to wanting to change for himself. To honor our marriage and a life time change and process walking in Victory.
He told me he would get help, he admitted to his addiction and sought out counseling. It seemed like forever for him to find help, but I saw how eagerly he was seeking. He told the kids and I felt comforted. Our children texted me asking for me to go to marriage counseling, trying to save our marriage. I saw how he asked for prayer with one of the Deacons at church and openly confessed his addiction. He was vulnerable. Through a few contacts and finally he found Ron Shaw, my husband was plugged into his sexual integrity group, Every Man’s Victory.
Not only was I struggling with trust issues and doubts of my marriage being repaired, Ron took us under his counsel and helped me with these issues. All I can say is that God Forgives, God Restores, My broken heart is made new. God heals. God transforms and had a clear plan for my husband and his Victory.
I can see the changes in my husband. His desire to know the Holy Spirit, his eagerness and excitement for his weekly group meetings. He is changing. I am so blessed to see the new man and I wouldn’t change this path or journey. Ron helped me understand the porn addiction and comforted me to help me to release control over this. To trust God, Expect Miracles. It was then, I stopped trying to control, be my husband’s “Holy Spirit”, it is when I began my healing and self-care journey.
My own healing journey began in August 2018. My husband was sitting in church and was introduced to the Conquer Series and came home and told me about the ladies support group. I began participating in a Betrayal and Beyond support group as HOPE for these women and gain some support for me. It had been 2 years since the last disclosure. I had my Pure Desire Book from 2006 and was able to re-read the pain and still remember moments, but this time I could see HOPE. I decided to pick afresh with this B&B support group and toss the old book aside and focus on now. I relate to these women and their stories, but this time I am a “Light” and “Hope” to them. I am thankful for myself, that I am not alone, that there is a support group for us. This journey is hard, but I am pressing on and trust in my God for the future. Victory!
As of February 2019, my husband is clean and sober from Porn addiction and has led many men to their Victory with his knowledge gained from his own life experience and all that Ron has done in our lives. I have HOPE and Expect Miracles and trust in a Holy Spirit that will comfort my husband, my marriage and myself. I felt it deeply that this trial was going to serve a greater purpose in my husband’s life and our lives. That one day we would share our story and help married couples going through this struggle. That we would share hope. Today, I share this Hope. May God get the glory and Victory in all who read my testimony. ~
Lieolani Sheetz, Lake Stevens, WA
Ron Shaw saved my marriage. Correction: God's Holy Spirit used Ron Shaw to save my marriage.
When I first met Ron, a near lifetime of porn addiction was threatening to tear apart my marriage and alienate me from my wife and family. Desperate to find help putting things back together, I found Ron's information and called him. He answered my call with a warm, supportive manner. I didn't feel any judgement or shame, but felt understood and welcomed immediately.
That week I began attending Ron's weekly support group, Every Man's Victory. This group has been pivotal in keeping me accountable with men that understand the difficulty. After a few weeks of meeting and discussing my situation, Ron asked to begin counseling me and my wife. She agreed and the following week, we began meeting with Ron on a weekly basis.
Over the next month or two, my wife and I both learned our individual roles that perpetuated the problem. Ron gradually peeled away the various lies I'd believed and misunderstandings I had about God's unparalleled and extravagant AGAPE love for me. From the time I'd been saved in high school, I'd seen God's love for me as more of an obligation He had to uphold, and He merely tolerated me. I'd used pornography as a short term comfort since I was a young boy (elementary school). A key teaching point Ron loves to point out is God is the God of ALL COMFORT (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ.")
This teaching point, combined with counseling and Biblical wisdom from Ron, opened my eyes to the reality that I had learned to rely on my own means to comfort rather than relying on the One that paid for my comfort with His own life.
Now, fast forward nearly three years later, my marriage is stronger than it has EVER been, my wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary in paradise, and I am receiving and experiencing a healthy dose of very real AGAPE love at the Every Man's Victory meeting each week. I'm now able to truly love my wife as I'm basking in God's true love for me. Ron played a crucial role in this, and I thank God every week for it.
Steve Sheetz, Lake Stevens, WA
I was pretty lonely and hopeless when I met Ron Shaw in the summer of 2005. I had tried both Christian and secular men’s support groups for the issues I had of sexual addiction. Had heard of many men who had it “worse” than me. Some who had been in prison for crimes related to this same addiction.
Pastors told me to just stop my behavior and it would all get better.
The message in church circles is that “if you just pray more, or be a better Christian, you shouldn’t have these problems. “
And the worst part is, men who struggle with this issue go to church with a mask on, pretending to the world that “everything’s fine”. But there’s a secret, a dirty awful secret.
I was starving for a pastor to truly talk about pornography and the lust we have around us in the world today. And why and how the enemy works at tearing apart families with this awful issue. And why we are so vulnerable to this issue. Wait, God created sex didn’t he?
And the true response that Jesus would have to my behavior, if only I could hear his voice.
Yet the message I heard was “your heart is wicked above all things”…… So I was stuck, had been stuck with no hope of getting unstuck.
I was just plain running; away from pain, towards a counterfeit shadow of pleasure.
And the enemy had the foothold in my life. So at our new church, I heard about a men’s addiction program . “ Ok, I thought, might as well try another program, maybe it will work this time”.
After the first meeting with Ron, I came away scratching my head. He did not fit in any box I had. And within a couple weeks I had more hope than I’d ever had.
Ron taught me about how Jesus really sees me. So I began to believe it.
He taught me the truths of God’s promises.
He showed me the ways I had brought mistrust into my marriage.
The veils began to break. The real pain, the real fears were becoming more clear. So we dealt with those. Slowly, honestly, in prayer, with grace……. did I mention slowly??
We began walking towards God, in truth.
And God began working on me, in me and through me.
Slowly some freedom showed up in my life. I found the joy in worship. I found the love my wife said she’d always had for me. Things began to change.
When the chains came off my soul, the enemy had no more power. But, this has still been a real roller coaster.
Often taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back. There’s been loss, and grief, and depression in my life. My wife has nearly died a couple of times due to illness in the past 5 years.
BUT. I am learning that God is bigger than my circumstances. Ron has been the most amazing gift in my life, to my life, to our marriage. Amazing.
And part of my redemption story is that God has called me now to be an elder in my church. Amazing.
When the senior leaders sat with me during this process, and asked me so many questions, there were many tears, of Joy, of Humility, of Grace.
Somehow, out of the brokenness I had created in my life, out of the sin I had lived with and justified for decades!! God wanted to raise something from the ashes. He said I had something to offer. Really?? Me?? Dude who had a sexual addiction?
“Yes” said my Lord. “Yes”.
God is all powerful. He brought the oil of healing over this man’s soul. It took years…..
So, today I do not wave a flag in the parade of overcomers.
I am not the poster child for sexual addiction recovery. I won’t write a book or teach the class on this issue. I am just a guy. Saved by a mountain of Grace.
But I absolutely know that God is not through with me yet. And just look what healing is available!!
My wife and I have been married 22 years now. My children know they are loved and they feel safe in our family.
Finally, …. you my friend, can have this healing in your life. Take a chance.
Sit with Ron.
Breathe. God may have a message for you.
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Jeffrey Brusseau Everett, WA
To Whom this may concern,
Hello. My name is Joe Nicholson, and I would like to share a few words about the wonderful blessing a man by the name of Ron Shaw has been in my life. I came to know him at least seven or eight years ago, while attending Northshore Christian Church. At that time I was still deep in a near life-long struggle with pornography addiction and a more than a decade long battle to keep my marriage with any sort of a pulse. I had no particular fondness for Ron. At the time I really only knew “of” him. Our only association, besides going to the same Church, was that we had both sang in the choir. At first he’d given me the impression of a somewhat loud, boisterous and slightly over confident man that I imagined would make a good circus clown! So imagine my surprise when the day came when I happened to see Ron at the far side of a room and have at that moment the Holy Spirit lay upon me the desire to ask Ron for help! At first, I was obedient only in that I followed the Spirit’s prompting to approach Ron and ask for an opportunity to speak privately with him. But, as much as I knew I needed help, I first thought I’d try to persuade Ron as to why I found my addiction to porn justifiable and that perhaps I could have him validate my reasoning. I had convinced myself that I knew every possible means of analysis of my condition and that in the end, there was nothing anyone could do or needed to do. I expected my conversation with Ron to be a short, single event - a one time, “Ok, I talked to him, now I’m done” thing I would “tell” the Holy Spirit. But as it turned out, that talk was just the first of many countless talks in the days, months and years to follow. I learned rather quickly that I had NOT thought of everything and that GOD could do something with my condition and that I indeed DID need of lot of something doing! Through Ron’s counseling, as he himself was led by the Holy Spirit, I came to know a very different way of thinking from what I had been taught all my life; and from what I’d led myself to believe. I began to see that I truly am powerless to overcome my struggles and that God did NOT expect ME to conquer them, but instead allow HIM to conquer them for me – and not all at once, lest I be overwhelmed – but in “baby steps”. I learned that in our first counseling session and in many instances since, that the only real “power” I have is the ability and the freedom to choose. I learned that I could not “make” anything happen or not happen, but that I could choose how I reacted to the circumstances in my life and that God does not judge my circumstances, but does give me a way to choose what I am to do about them. Of course, one choice leads to another, as one circumstance leads to another - for better or worse. And, with much wisdom and advice I learned through Ron, (by means of the Spirit), that my choices could result in better circumstances, a better self-image, a better marriage, a better parentage to my two children, and ultimately, a better man. This road I’ve journeyed with Ron as my earthly counselor has not been easy. I’ve had many “relapses” of old habits and thankfully a corresponding “bounce back” each time - and Ron has been with me the entire way. That brings up one of the most significant differences in Ron that had not been the case with the many counselors I’d had before him. Not only did Ron effectively teach me that I didn’t have to “do” anything except choose God and let HIM do the work, but Ron is also the first and ONLY earthly counselor I’ve ever had that did not abandon me and leave me unanswered when I needed him most! Without fail, all my previous counselors eventually failed to respond whenever I tried to call outside of a previously scheduled appointment. Ron has been the first and ONLY counselor that has been consistently ready and willing to help me at nearly any hour of any day, provided it was within his physical ability or geographic proximity to do so. That aspect of Ron’s nature alone has been a tremendous benefit to me! Today, though I am still far from perfect, (and I know I will never be), I have a much better life. My circumstances have drastically improved since I first began counseling with Ron, but that’s not why my life is better! I am a better man, husband and father today because my outlook on any set of circumstances has changed! I’ve learned it’s not up to me to “do”, because if “I” do it, I am more than likely to fail. But if I only choose God, and allow HIM to do all the “doing” through me and others in my life, then things not only can, but will turn out for the better! Today, though I still may occasionally stumble, I no longer struggle with a habitual addiction to pornography. My marriage, though still a work-in-progress, is MUCH better than it was before. And, though I am still but a human father, (and will never be perfect), I am a MUCH better father now as well! To arrive at my present circumstances, I can think of no other more significant factor than my willingness to choose to remain in the counsel of Ron Shaw and let the Holy Spirit, through Ron, and working also in me, do all the “doing” to “make” my circumstances better. I will be eternally grateful to Ron Shaw, and I could not recommend to anyone a better counselor, mentor and friend.
Joe Nicholson Mukilteo, WA